The Pleasure Ethic is both the name of my sex and relationship coaching practice and its foundational philosophy. I chose it primarily because of what it implies – that pleasure is ethical.
The principle of a pleasure ethic is that pleasure – that which lights us up, turns us on, is in integrity and alignment with who we are in any given moment and time of life – is intrinsically virtuous and worthy of pursuit.
I also just like the way it sounds.
It is a challenge to the notion (overt and implied) that pleasure is gratuitous, and that the work ethic – the principle that hard work is intrinsically virtuous or worthy of reward – is most noble.
Hard work can of course be deeply satisfying and rewarding. But the addiction to profit and production under late stage capitalism distorts the ethic of work, the pleasure of work. Overvalued as a singular measure of an individual’s worth it leads to chronic stress, burnout, and illness, not to mention exploitation. The fine print of this ethic is: suffer now for the promise of a future payoff. How rewarding that actually proves to be seems questionable.
An ethic of pleasure values creativity and imagination alongside achievement, and the journey at least as much as the outcome. It elevates relationships over profit and production; joy and ease over unnecessary suffering; authenticity and vulnerability over measured performance; experimentation and exploration over anxious grasping for certainty.
I dream of a world in which the purpose of organized society is to provide for the basic needs of everyone. I also believe that humans are inherently creative and productive. When our basic needs are met – and the resources to do so neither restricted nor hoarded – we flourish. An ethic of pleasure is in part about building that world, helping people tap their innate worth and contribute to the whole according to their gifts, talents, and passions.
First and foremost though, this is a philosophy that emerges from my work as a sex and relationship coach. Experimentation, imagination, creativity and exploration are key elements of fulfilling relationships and sex. Discovering what we like and don’t like. How to communicate. How to navigate boundaries and consent. How to create safety in order to experience the pleasure that our bodies are made for.
Developing the skills to experience sex and connection in authentic and empowering ways changes everything.
