In our first episode of The Pleasure Ethic podcast my co-host Javier Cortez and I introduce ourselves and tell the story of how we met.
I really love the story. We met on the dating app Bumble. My interest was piqued by what he wrote on his profile, something along the lines of “I’m not here to hookup, I write about people I meet on dating apps.” I thought that was cool and likely to lead to an interesting conversation. I swiped right and it was a match! Still unaccustomed to the frequency with which matches occurred between me and much younger men, I noted his age – 25. He was cute, had a great smile, and was an Aries like me.
Later I would learn the enthusiasm was mutual. He saw that I was a sex and relationship coach (I put that on my profile, both as a heads up and a kind of social experiment) and hoped we would match. My profession made me someone he definitely wanted to meet for his writing project, Conversations Over Coffee.
We met for coffee at a cafe in Albuquerque on a Saturday morning late in 2019 and have been friends ever since.
Origin stories are like our personal mythology. They hold meaningful information about how we are shaped. On an individual level they map the early landscapes of our beliefs, worldviews, and values. Those things that inform so much of how we approach life and make meaning out of our experiences. Each of our relationships, intimate and otherwise, have an origin story too. They are the record of what attracted us in the first place, what drew us in, pulled us along and formed the shape of the connection. For Javier and me the quality and content of the conversation stand out. We went deep, got raw and real from that first conversation. We shared an interest in taboo topics – sex, drugs, relationships. The same topics that inspired us to start a podcast.
One of the first things I want to hear about when a couple comes to work with me is their origin story. For me, as a practitioner, it is diagnostic. It helps me identify the strengths and challenges in the relationship. Often the same qualities that draw us together develop over time as both a strength and a challenge. Maybe one partner is quiet, the other talkative. The difference in verbal style and pace sparks interest and appreciation. Over time the difference may present as a challenge in how they communicate, problem solve, and plan.
When a couple is seeking support in a time of crisis, recounting their origin story offers an opportunity to remember why they were drawn to each other in the first place. I try to facilitate a real time experience, a visceral reminder, of that magical time when the spark was new. It can be therapeutic to remember and feel the feelings in the retelling.
Experiment:
Take yourself back to the origins of the relationship you are currently in (or of any relationship that was meaningful to you), when you first met or first felt the spark of attraction and interest. Conjure as much detail as possible – the location, time of day, what you were wearing or doing, what the weather was like. What stands out? What feelings do you notice, both internally and toward the other person? Immerse yourself in the memory, particularly the emotions and physical sensations. If you journal, spend a few minutes writing about it. Think of it as a practice akin to dream interpretation, an imaginal experiment that can yield information about what matters most to you, what turns you on, what you look for and value in connection.
